I never really pegged myself as a My Chemical Romance fan or a Panic in the Disco! enthusiast, but their music isn’t all that intolerable. I’m being introduced to new genres of music by close friends, provided I’m rather ignorant to anything contemporary, and so far, I’m liking what I’m hearing.

All day long I’ve been terribly exhausted. I don’t know if I’ve caught a cold, or if my body is fighting something, but I haven’t been able to get out of bed all day long. I’ve barely eaten anything, though I did force myself to feed little Aloysious and change his water.

The poor thing has been trying to get me to go outside and play with him, but my limbs feel like lead, and every time I stand up I feel terribly lightheaded. Instead, I’ve been throwing him one of his stuffed animal toys back and forth across the room to tire him out.

I slept well enough last night, I don’t know why I’m so exhausted. While drifting in and out of consciousness, I put on a new audiobook I bought. I’m still waiting for the hard-cover novel to arrive in the mail, so in the meanwhile, this’ll do.

It’s ridiculous how easily I fall for fictional characters. My love-affair of the month is officially Michael Curry, from The Witching Hour.

The whole chapter with poor catatonic Deirdre really frightened me. It rang too close to home, and I’d rather simply not think about it at all.

Last night I recalled a very important and interesting conversation I had with Jeffery not too long ago about the importance of aftercare following an intense session.

When you’re thoroughly abusing someone in a session, you’re pushing them past the brink of emotional and physical overload. They lose track of themselves-- in my case I really do lose myself completely; I’m letting someone open the flood-gate, and it takes a lot to close it back up.

I can’t stop weeping, I get terribly shaken, I feel useless, all five senses are on overdrive to the point where the wrong touch or the wrong sound will drive me out of my mind. I feel vulnerable, terribly exposed, and I need proper care and reassurance afterwards.

I need my shaken state of mind to be eased and nurtured back into normality. One reverts to this child-like state of absolute dependence and without the proper aftercare, one loses their mind.

The reason I was reminded of it, was because last night I realized how important it is for me, whenever I’m the one in charge, to really go out of my way to make sure my darling is always properly taken care of.

Saying the wrong thing, making the wrong move, will terribly shake him, and break the scene, resulting in a terrible crash for both parties-- cutting off a scene without it having taken its course, and properly ended will really shake me as the dominant party, because it really takes a lot of emotional exertion, and for me to have to suddenly shut off that frame of mind and switch back in a matter of seconds really takes a toll on me. I can’t do it.

I won’t get mad or upset because the scene’s been broken, but I simply won’t be able to revert to my more submissive self, and I’ll continue to be cruel and demanding, and I won’t be able to care properly for my love, resulting in his taking it very badly as well.

While abusing him, I make sure to reassure him of what a good job he’s doing, and how much he’s pleasing me, because I know that’s what he needs, and after we’re both done, and the aggression in me has worn off, I take really good care of him, while still being the dominant party.

I’ll tend to his wounds, stroke his hair, kiss him tenderly and have him curl up and nuzzle into me telling him how much a love him and how happy he makes me.

Whereas before I couldn’t do it-- I would continue to be cold and terrible to him, unable to switch back. Now I’ve gotten the hang of it.

We both need these sessions terribly.

The need simply builds up over time, and it’s heaven and hell all at the same time.

The only problem as I see it, comes when my darling is in charge, and he begins to behave like Wanda, from Venus in Furs.

Because my projection of emotion is more intense, I really enjoy being taken to the edge. I need to really submit and lose absolute control. I need to lose myself completely.

This will sometimes frighten Michael, because he doesn’t know when he’s going overboard (up to date, he never has). He’s just listening to me weep and sob uncontrollably, waiting for me to call out our safe word so he knows when to stop, yet sees I’m truly suffering and I’m not saying anything, and he’ll just suddenly stop, break the scene for my own sake, and behave very much like Wanda, making me crash into this terrible indescribable state from which it takes me a long time to recover.

He goes from being controlling and demanding and taking pleasure in seeing me suffer for his sake, to smothering me with affection, completely obliterating our dynamic. I’ve told him he needs to remain in charge, simply easing the more nurturing side in very slowly; instead of apologizing, reassuring me of my performance, how much he loves me, and how much he enjoyed it.

I’m not quite sure, but I think I’m having a bit of an unexpected crash myself--- or at least it feels as though something like it; that terrible sense of vulnerability and uselessness and need to weep uncontrollably.

It’s the oddest thing. And so unexpected, too, given I’ve been so stable.

Hopefully it’ll go away soon.