Last night I had to punish Michael. I know I’ve been wanting him to be more strict with me, but I realize now just how difficult it is to do that.

I assigned the punishment, and though reluctant, he followed through, but he just looked so pathetic I just wanted to cave in. I managed to maintain myself firm throughout most of it, but all the while I just wanted to wrap my arms around him, press his face against my chest and tell him how much I loved him.

The punishment was very simple; not sleeping in our bed for the rest of the night, sleeping in our room, but in a corner with a pillow and a blanket. I’d be sleeping with Alo on our bed.

When he told me how much he loved me and wanted to sleep next to me, and genuinely meant it--- he wasn’t just saying it to get his way, I wanted to cave in.

I don’t like being cold. I don’t like being cruel. I don’t like enforcing punishment, even if it’s all for his own good.

Remaining for too long in that cold persona seems to trigger an overwhelming amount of vulnerability in me, and it’s important not to switch from cold to hot too quickly for his sake.

Needing him to care for me, I called him from his corner onto the bed and had him caress me and massage me all over. All the while, I was firm with my commands, but I just wanted to break down against him and have him cradle me in his arms and tell me everything would be alright.

I don’t feel I’m cut out for any of it. I don’t like giving orders, I want him to do whatever he feels I’d like, because he’s so good at pleasing me. I like being ordered, being told what to do, not ordering.

Why he even decided to go through with the punishment is something I don’t understand either. He’s bigger and stronger than me, he could have easily said no, and I wouldn’tve been able to do anything about it, except throw a fit and threaten something to get him to comply.

I don’t like having my authority undermined, but when something is unpleasant, why should one obey? If Michael had told me that for being rebellious I would have to go back to sleeping in my room rather than in his bed, I wouldnt’ve complied. It would have triggered a large quarrel, but I would have kicked and screamed all the way through because I don’t like not sleeping next to him.

Even when he’s upset at me, and my heart breaks because he doesn’t want me in the same room as him, all I want to do is sit on his lap and cling to him and have him embrace me tightly and tell me that he loves me.

Rather than have him not sleep with me, we decided simply not to have sex for the next couple days; he’s allowed to pleasure me, but he’s not allowed to climax. I find it rather odd that we’d prefer this arrangement. I suppose it proves it’s not all about the lust and the physicality.

I feel rather guilty for abandoning my journal. So many things have happened and life has been so chaotic, it’s nice to go back to some order and coherence. Writing is something I find very therapeutic.

There have been a few additions to the family since August.

A lot of things have happened since August.

In October I turned twenty, and Michael decided to formalize our M/s relationship. Michael is in full control, and the dominant one, because I want him and need him to be. I can’t be dominant for long periods of time without it leading to emotional instability. Thus, I am his submissive and compliant pet.

In order to feed his need to submit and my mild need to dominate, we switch from time to time. Our roles fluctuate depending on the other, and so we both are slaves to each other. He dominates me because it’s what I want, and I dominate him because it’s what he wants.

Structure and defined roles are not too important; our dynamic can be seen in various different ways. In a way, I’m Michael’s mistress and as my slave he satisfies my needs and provides me with a service when he takes control of me, because it’s what pleases me. The opposite is true as well; Michael is my Master, and as his slave, I’m tending to his needs when I dominate him and take control, because it’s what he needs, and what pleases him.

I am very content with how things are at the moment. For the most part my dominance is limited to the bedroom, because it’s what I’m more comfortable with, and Michael enjoys being more passive in bed.

It’s a very unusual, though pleasant switch for me, since I’m used to being the one being taken, rather than the one doing the taking.

I very much enjoy taking care of Michael and babying him when he’s feeling vulnerable. I don’t think I’ve ever been happier with things than with how they are now.

At the end of the summer, Jeffery moved in with Michael and I, after the ending of his contract with Ms. Kinlan. The poor thing was a mess, but being around us seemed to cheer him up a lot. Michael and I began to incorporate different elements into our dynamic; I was assigned chores and duties, and Jeffery helped me improve my house-managing skills.

He took full care of the house during his stay with us, going to school on the side, and I grew very fond of him throughout that time. He helped me with the troubles I’d been having submitting, and they’re still a work in progress, but I’ve improved rather a lot.

In November, Ms Kinlan decided to take him back, and the two of them are now involved in a romantic D/s relationship. The poor darling had a falling-out with his father and Michael decided to legally adopt both the Mayfair twins.

That same month, to my terror and despair, we found out I was pregnant. With twins. I’m still getting used to the idea of it. I’m absolutely terrified, but I know I have my three boys to take care of me.

I’ve grown very fond of the idea of having a family. Not a family with children of my own, though I’m growing more used to it (I don’t think I’ll be a fit parent), but a family with out friends. Michael is an only child, and has no contact with relatives, and I don’t have any living relatives. For four years we’ve lived on our own, and I was fine with was, but now I’m rather fond of having more people in our lives.

I enjoy having Jeffery as a brother (I refuse to be considered his adoptive mother, though legally, I technically am). Juliana isn’t as annoying anymore, and she seems to care about Cassian, so I suppose having her as a sister isn’t too bad. Ms. Kinlan has also become part of our little family, and so have Charles and Medora.

They’ll be spending the holidays with us. Thanksgiving was wonderful, and in a few weeks we’ll be celebrating Christmas.

January is my darling’s birthday, and I already know what I’ll be giving him.