Last night I had to punish Michael. I know I’ve been wanting him to be more strict with me, but I realize now just how difficult it is to do that.

I assigned the punishment, and though reluctant, he followed through, but he just looked so pathetic I just wanted to cave in. I managed to maintain myself firm throughout most of it, but all the while I just wanted to wrap my arms around him, press his face against my chest and tell him how much I loved him.

The punishment was very simple; not sleeping in our bed for the rest of the night, sleeping in our room, but in a corner with a pillow and a blanket. I’d be sleeping with Alo on our bed.

When he told me how much he loved me and wanted to sleep next to me, and genuinely meant it--- he wasn’t just saying it to get his way, I wanted to cave in.

I don’t like being cold. I don’t like being cruel. I don’t like enforcing punishment, even if it’s all for his own good.

Remaining for too long in that cold persona seems to trigger an overwhelming amount of vulnerability in me, and it’s important not to switch from cold to hot too quickly for his sake.

Needing him to care for me, I called him from his corner onto the bed and had him caress me and massage me all over. All the while, I was firm with my commands, but I just wanted to break down against him and have him cradle me in his arms and tell me everything would be alright.

I don’t feel I’m cut out for any of it. I don’t like giving orders, I want him to do whatever he feels I’d like, because he’s so good at pleasing me. I like being ordered, being told what to do, not ordering.

Why he even decided to go through with the punishment is something I don’t understand either. He’s bigger and stronger than me, he could have easily said no, and I wouldn’tve been able to do anything about it, except throw a fit and threaten something to get him to comply.

I don’t like having my authority undermined, but when something is unpleasant, why should one obey? If Michael had told me that for being rebellious I would have to go back to sleeping in my room rather than in his bed, I wouldnt’ve complied. It would have triggered a large quarrel, but I would have kicked and screamed all the way through because I don’t like not sleeping next to him.

Even when he’s upset at me, and my heart breaks because he doesn’t want me in the same room as him, all I want to do is sit on his lap and cling to him and have him embrace me tightly and tell me that he loves me.

Rather than have him not sleep with me, we decided simply not to have sex for the next couple days; he’s allowed to pleasure me, but he’s not allowed to climax. I find it rather odd that we’d prefer this arrangement. I suppose it proves it’s not all about the lust and the physicality.